Monday, March 17, 2014

Adventuring: Our Narnia, Our Story

For months I have been trying to write this post. I have saved drafts that sit there...not knowing exactly how to say what I wanted. How to express myself, which ya know, I'm a writer- it should be easy but it never was, I could never write out what I wanted to express. I saw something the other day that spurred this post though, and made me finally write it.

You know how on Pinterest and you keep seeing those cheesy cute little pictures and craft ideas that say basically....First comes loves, then comes marriage, and then comes baby carriage....ect, ect. How that in three easy steps you have found happiness. A nice little package of happy that seems to gloss over all the life that takes place between those steps. I think a downfall of social media is that often times that life between those steps are glossed over. We post the happy things and there is nothing wrong with that. So, don't think that I don't understand that life happens to everyone, we all have our struggles.

But with that said, I'm a pretty honest person and I've never been one to shy away from the life that happens in between the steps.  Today, I'm sharing with you a part of our story, insecurities and struggles and all. D and I, our story goes more like this.

First comes dating where we were super young and pretty different but we were still able to find love...

Then four years later (still super young) comes a super sweet honeymoon!!! (And marriage...that too. Two people saying the perfect words that binded us together, our hearts and soul)

And then comes..........

See. This is where I struggle. It seems (and I'm sorry but I'm totally blaming this part on where I live. Holy babies everywhere. Holy young people my age having babies and lots of them) that the next step that is you settle down and have kids. That's the story. Right?

I've struggled with this in so many ways. Because this seems to be the appropriate plan. The approved plan. 

But it was never my plan, at least at not at this point in our lives. No, this wasn't D and I's story. For us the next step is adventuring, living life just the two of us, new experiences with my other half...that's the next step for our story (This summer in Stanley, Idaho and then after that...who knows! But we are excited!)

Everyone's story is different. And those who have kids, they're story is wonderful too and works for them. For me, it wasn't just that I didn't want kids right now but instead it was how our lives changed this last October.

After a doctors visit and blood work I was told that I probably can't have kids. That I have about a 2 or 3 % chance of ever conceiving naturally. For a girl who was nervous about kids already, who never really had motherly urges, and living in an area where people married young and procreated like it was going out of style, it was a lot to take in. My self-esteem totally bombed. Everything I thought I knew drastically changed. I was overwhelmed and sad. I was so sad that this was taken away from me, even if I wasn't so sure on this whole kid thing. And I was also grieving the loss of probably never being able to hold a baby that had DJ's beautiful green eyes and my blonde hair, or my nose or DJ's ears. I had to let that idea go. 

I saw a counselor because I didn't know how in the world to deal with all this. My thoughts were all over and racing in a million directions. I wasn't depressed, though some might think I am (or was). Mostly it's because when I'm around certain people I have no idea what to say, how to connect, so I don't say a lot. I had days where I was sad, of course, but I still got out of bed every day. I got straight As and self published a book. I laughed with friends and smiled. I was just a little lost and totally out of my element, though, and so I knew I needed to find a way to fit this new way of thinking in my life. 

With the help of counseling, I'm gaining my self confidence back. If you know me, you know I don't really bullshit around. I know my flaws and strengths and I've never really hated on myself too much. I'm getting that back.

What I am also finally starting to see is that my story doesn't have to be your story. It can be different, even if people don't get it. That's okay. My story might have kids in it one day, but it will be a totally different route than many go, but I'm no stranger to going off the beaten path. Usually, that's the way I prefer it. 

D and I, our story has had a lot of life in in it, a lot of tears of joy and sadness and I know that it's only the beginning. So instead of feeling bad that I don't fit in, that I have lost connections, I am going to instead take advantage of the wonderful things D and I get to do, the places we get to go and the adventures we get to have.

We are always in our constant search of Narnia, of our perfect place and in many ways we have simply found that in each other. So no, our story is not love, marriage and baby. Maybe one day that will be a step in our story, but for right now...our story is us. The places we go, the things we see, the people we met and watching our relationship grow. 

I'm excited ( and a little scared, but who isn't?) about wherever life takes us and I'm proud of myself that I'm at that point. 


  1. Great post! Even the people who look like their story is ideal is probably not! We all have bumps to teach us and make our lives fun. Enjoy your story and exploring the world

  2. First, thank you for being so brave and sharing this post. ♥ Second, I'm 40 and never had the urge to have children and still don't. But something happens the moment someone says you CAN'T. Life has a way of changing the way we see ourselves, good or bad. BUT this is your time...embrace every single breath of life! Again, thank you for sharing.

  3. I know this has been weighing on you and I'm proud of you for making peace with it. You're doing an amazing job of writing your own story.

  4. Well aren't you an inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing, Caitlin. That couldn't have been easy to write. *hugs*


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